Just breathe

Officially in my 3rd trimester, and about 10 weeks left to this pregnancy, I am really excited and anxious just to meet this little man. I love to feel him move around and I pray everyday that he stays healthy.
School is over, and I registered with the temp agency - Usually they place me right away, however that was not the case this time. Perhaps it's because I am only available till mid July? Maybe it's because I have to have time off during the days to go to Dr. appointments? I dunno. Something has to happen, however, because we won't last the summer if I don't get some kind of work.
I had a normal OB appointment yesterday and made the decision to NOT see what I weigh. Now, this could go either way. I don't feel like I am avoiding anything, because I know I am gaining, I am eating as well as I can, and moving as much as I can, in spite of my back acting up. But, I don't want not knowing to deter me from eating well. The reason I made the decision is because when I see that I have gained, and of course I have gained, it makes me so emotional and stressed. It affects the whole rest of my day, sometimes longer. I have been through so much stress this month, I simply didn't want to add anymore. So, there it is. It was the best decision for me.
Eating has been going pretty well. The only thing I am really unhappy with is needing to eat at night (between 9-10 PM). I have tried to ignore it, only to be awoken within an hour with crazy hunger pains. So, I eat something. Usually a few cheese sticks and maybe some crackers. I just feel like this goes on top of a great eating day and throws it out of whack. I am also a little concerned about my protein intake. For example, yesterday it was 145 grms. Isn't this way too much? Is it bad for baby? Bad for my kidneys? I really don't know, but in regards to to my other nutrients, things are where I want them. A little over 100 gms of carbs (not including about 30 grms of fiber)fat is usually on normal target, and frankly, I have yet to actually make my calorie goals. I am usually anywhere from 250-800 calories under my "goal". I do still need to work on getting more water in.
Have some normal things to do today - bill paying, cleaning, baby clothes washing and putting away, and A and my room is ATROCIOUS. So, that needs a lot of work. Trying to get more students for the summer so we don't have to go live in a cardboard box.
I think of Brian everyday. So many times a day. I still ask him why. I still don't have any answer. I miss him, even though I didn't see him everyday, and I still sometimes think it's some sort of bad dream. We'll all wake up together and he will be there, laughing at us for thinking he would EVER do such a thing.