I feel so miserable right now. I have been on the verge of crying all morning. I can't believe how tired I am. I am trying to get stuff done, because office team called and I am definitely starting work tomorrow, and so after this, I basically have to work until my water breaks so there will be no time, unless I work all weekend on house stuff, but my body just won't work today. I am pissed about the GD thing, because I am thinking I really do have it now, especially after last nights reading, which means more tests, inducing Sammy, and that weight loss didn't effect it at all. I got on the scale and I am 270 lbs, which means SO FAR I have put on about 40 lbs in this pregnancy, and it's only going to get higher. I feel dreadful, I feel guilty for not going to the dinner tonight for Brian. I am already hot and uncomfortable, and it's only May. I don't know how I am going to do all of this with 13 students and a full time job. I don't even know how I am going to get through today. I wish you were home with me to hold me. I don't know what is going to make me feel any better.... I just feel like I am out of control..........

7 months in

Wow, I can't stand how tired I am right now. I haven't slept in days - just a whole lotta up and down, tossing and turning. This is the beginning of the end of sleep for me for at least the next year. Damn kids. lol
Starting back to the 9-5 world again this week. My stomach is turning just thinking about it. There is so much to get done around here, and of course (because when it rains, it pours) I have 2 new students starting as well. So, now, I will be working everyday from 8:30-6:30. Leaving a whopping 30 minutes to spend with Josh before his bedtime. I know we need the money - really badly, and that it's only for 6-8 weeks, but I am just feeling sick about it. I know, I know - suck it up. Most people do this their whole lives.
The eating situation is comical, really. Saturday A and I made such good choices all morning, and then gave in to dinner out and dessert after - and I'm not sure why Sunday was such a strange day, and was strange eating as well. Neither day was a triumph, but I am very worried about my blood sugar (I had a bad reading yesterday after breakfast) and I am being very careful... I actually just checked after "lunch" and it's 82. That's a good fasting range, never mind after food, but I am really trying hard to watch my carbs and definitely watch my sugar now. The next 10 weeks are going to be sugar-free, low carb (but, at least 100 grms of carbs) to keep the sugar where it should be. It's MY responsibility to keep this baby safe and sound.
no motivation, so tired, headache - wish I had some Click. I ordered some on Friday and should get the delivery today... need my Click-ety fix! Ok, getting up off my ass now and getting something accomplished...

Friday is just another day. A quick stop at office team, appointment with my shrink, and a stop at Target is just about all I have planned today. Yesterday was filled with cleaning, reorganizing, scrubbing - (as in, scrubbing the stove with a toothbrush - can you say "nesting"?)so today is spending time with Josh. This weekend is teaching, and next week, well, it's back to the office grind, even if only for 6 weeks. I really don't want to, but it will help us not to fall into the money abyss by August.
I'm feeling ok about my eating. Not great, not terrible. I have good days and not so good, and I just have to keep trying to make the best choices I can. Once the baby is born and after a little recovery, I may try the 5 day pouch test to get myself off the carbs/sugar again. We'll see.
There is a lot to do, especially next week - meetings, Dr. appoints, ultrasound, working...trying to get this fund raiser going, and I feel like this is not going to get off the ground, even with 6 people working on it. We'll just have to see, because I can't do it all myself.
That's really all. Nothing significant to say. Just normal stuff, written down.

Just breathe

Officially in my 3rd trimester, and about 10 weeks left to this pregnancy, I am really excited and anxious just to meet this little man. I love to feel him move around and I pray everyday that he stays healthy.
School is over, and I registered with the temp agency - Usually they place me right away, however that was not the case this time. Perhaps it's because I am only available till mid July? Maybe it's because I have to have time off during the days to go to Dr. appointments? I dunno. Something has to happen, however, because we won't last the summer if I don't get some kind of work.
I had a normal OB appointment yesterday and made the decision to NOT see what I weigh. Now, this could go either way. I don't feel like I am avoiding anything, because I know I am gaining, I am eating as well as I can, and moving as much as I can, in spite of my back acting up. But, I don't want not knowing to deter me from eating well. The reason I made the decision is because when I see that I have gained, and of course I have gained, it makes me so emotional and stressed. It affects the whole rest of my day, sometimes longer. I have been through so much stress this month, I simply didn't want to add anymore. So, there it is. It was the best decision for me.
Eating has been going pretty well. The only thing I am really unhappy with is needing to eat at night (between 9-10 PM). I have tried to ignore it, only to be awoken within an hour with crazy hunger pains. So, I eat something. Usually a few cheese sticks and maybe some crackers. I just feel like this goes on top of a great eating day and throws it out of whack. I am also a little concerned about my protein intake. For example, yesterday it was 145 grms. Isn't this way too much? Is it bad for baby? Bad for my kidneys? I really don't know, but in regards to to my other nutrients, things are where I want them. A little over 100 gms of carbs (not including about 30 grms of fiber)fat is usually on normal target, and frankly, I have yet to actually make my calorie goals. I am usually anywhere from 250-800 calories under my "goal". I do still need to work on getting more water in.
Have some normal things to do today - bill paying, cleaning, baby clothes washing and putting away, and A and my room is ATROCIOUS. So, that needs a lot of work. Trying to get more students for the summer so we don't have to go live in a cardboard box.
I think of Brian everyday. So many times a day. I still ask him why. I still don't have any answer. I miss him, even though I didn't see him everyday, and I still sometimes think it's some sort of bad dream. We'll all wake up together and he will be there, laughing at us for thinking he would EVER do such a thing.

melted ice cream

wow, I really only complain on this thing, don't I. Oh well, no one is reading anyway.
I am mad for the dumbest reason. I asked A to go and get me a sugar-free, fat free frozen yogurt cone, with sprinkles, of course. I told him specifically it didn't matter what flavor it was, as long as it was sugar free. We have this place around the corner that *almost* always has this. He comes home over 30 minutes later and said he had to go all the way downtown to a different place, because the close place didn't have anything sugar free. The cone is a melted puddle in a cup, and to top it off, it's not sugar free anyway. So, what was the fucking point? He said "all they had was butterscotch in sugar free" Yeah, ok. I told you it didn't matter what flavor. So, currently the sloppy, nasty cup of fat free yogurt that I can't eat is in the freezer, and he is enjoying his MONSTROUS cup of ice cream. Nice. Thanks for fucking playing.
I know I sound like an ungrateful bitch, but come on, I asked ONE thing from this trip, and he basically ignored it. Awesome. Really.
Ok, I guess that's the end of my speil. End Scene.

why why why why why

I haven't felt too much like posting, and frankly, I don't feel like posting now, but I am hoping that if I do, I will feel a little better
Ate great today, and really good yesterday. I find myself getting frustrated with my body when I get hungry so fast, but I am trying to get past that.
Went to see the nurse educator at the endocrin office. She was really nice, and helpful, and she really doesn't think I "have" GD. Good. Cause I don't think I do either. I am still going to go to the consult on the 25th - the reason being that it's not a bad thing to keep tabs on it, I don't have to go every week like last time, only once a month, which will mean I will go to see this Dr. 3 times, max. The nurse only wants me to check my sugar every 2-3 days, and I have to e-mail her weekly with the numbers, unless of course, there is something funny. It's a relief. I didn't want to be treated like a sugar crazed lunatic again. I didn't want to have 17 trillion ultrasounds with techs saying "ohhh... I think he's going to be big" when Josh was only 7 lbs 4 oz. I don't need all the additional stress in my life. And, I will not let them do that to me.
I tried to exercise this evening. Asked A to walk with me, and he blew me off. As soon as I started, my ankle started to really hurt. I tried to crack it, get the kink out of it, but it would not budge. I kept going, and about 15 min in, I started getting crampy and I heard Josh start whining. I mean, really??? I try to do something for my health, and there was a windfall of crap practically begging me not to. Unfortunately, I gave up. I'm such a winner
I feel so angry. I went up to Josh's room for the FOURTH FUCKING TIME tonight, and it turned out he was whining because he was sweating in his winter feety PJ's the hubs put him in. So, I have to turn on the lights, find something cooler for him to wear, get him up, change him, wake him up totally and completely, and then put him back to bed.
I can't believe A is already fucking snoring on the couch. I just had to say that. I am very concerned with his weight and diet, and I am practically begging him to log his food for the day. I made him do it tonight for today and yesterday. How is he going to really know what he's eating if he doesn't log it? He's not, and then it won't get any better. The snoring is totally out of control, and I feel bad telling him that I don't want him in bed with me, but I am the one who can't sleep while he's sawing wood, so I need to think of myself. If I don't get sleep, I get very cranky, and really, I can't afford to be any more cranky than I already am.
Why do I feel so angry? I mean, I feel a little better after getting this all out, but I really still feel very, very, very mad. Just listening to A snore is making me so angry. I don't even understand why. why why why
I kinda want to smother his with a pillow. Maybe I'll get some frozen yogurt and go upstairs. I can't listen to this anymore.

*sigh*

Ok -

I'm trying very hard to get off my self-loathing kick. I didn't eat well yesterday and I am trying to just get over it. I've planned out my eating today, and I am hoping I can stick to it. I have decided that I am not going to look at the scale when I weigh in at the doctor next week. Not for denial purposes, but for sanity preservation.

I have been thinking a lot about exercise lately. I would really love for it to become a "fun" part of my life. The kind of thing I decide to do when I am bored, something I look forward to doing. Something that makes me feel good because I am pushing myself to do things that, maybe, I didn't think I could. It's hard for me to feel motivated to start this journey of pushing myself when 6 months pregnant and feeling like a moose. However, maybe this is just the right time. I'm sitting here, feeling like I "can't" exercise, I "can't" feel as though I am in better shape. Isn't that exactly what I am looking for? I don't know. I feel tired and whale-like. I wish I had someone to motivate me to workout, but frankly, I don't. I can't get hubby to work out. Helping him to eat better only really works when I can do it myself. So, he certainly isn't motivation right now.

sugar

So, I have discovered that my blood sugar levels are officially too high. This means I probably have GD again and I will have to start going to the endocrin doc weekly. On top of the extra monitoring they are already doing because of my surgery, they will add lots of non-stress tests, and probably even more visits. Obviously, I will do all of this because baby Sammy's health is at stake, and I will do everything in my power to keep him well. I do so, however, with a disappointed heart. I really thought all the weightloss would keep me from having to deal with this again. But, I guess that gaining 30 some-odd pounds so far has adversely effected that idea. Well, no shit.
Calling the OB at 9:00. We will see what happens from there.

split jeans and and hard morning

I was already having a tough morning when I dropped Josh off at Grandmas - but when my MIL made the discovery (and thank God it was her, and not a student or co-worker) that my maternity jeans were SPLIT down my ass - it really topped off the day. And it's only 9:00 AM.
Not only are they split, but they are SHREDDED. Totally beyond repair. The clincher is that I don't even know when it happened. It could have been last week, and I've worn them at least 4 times since then.
This is just reinforcing the hatred I have for myself right now, for my huge body, for my lack of control, my emotional eating. I'm not just getting a bigger belly, my ass, my legs, my arms - everything. I tried weighing myself this morning only to find the scale needs new batteries. I haven't decided if this is a good or bad thing. Although, the way the day has been going so far, it's probably better off.
Of course, I'll say it again. I am trying to eat better today. Yesterday didn't go like I wanted. I cried to Anthony last night and he promised he would start exercising with me. We'll see.
God, please just help me get through this day without a nervous breakdown. Amen.

Such a loser

I feel like such a loser. And No, not in The Biggest Loser kind of way.

I feel so huge. I can practically feel my fat filling in the places where loose skin was 6 months ago. I really hate how I am feeling. I hate how I am eating. This is supposed to be joyous, and I feel miserable. Then, I go to the obesity help website and wander over to the pregnancy after weight loss board and what do I read? Woman who are trying to STOP losing weight. "I am 20 lbs under my goal!" blah blah blah. I know that that can be an issue for people, and it's a legitimate concern, but it just sucks to be gaining and read about people who are losing.

This sucks. I'm huge. I can't even get on the scale - I'm scared. I don't know what to do.

Taking care

It's Tuesday. This past weekend was one of the hardest of my families lives, especially my aunt, uncle and 2 cousins. They had to bury their son/brother. I can't even imagine the pain they are feeling.

Anyone who knows me knows I have a problem with emotional eating. This past week has been no exception. However, this morning I have made a few decisions.

Eating poorly will:

1. NOT bring my cousin back

2. NOT stop the pain my aunt, uncle, cousins, and whole family are feeling

3. NOT answer any of the terrible questions that are circling around all our heads

Someone with emotional eating issues may tell you that eating dulls the pain. It gives you a place to put the emotions that we feel are too overwhelming to deal with. The question then remains for the person, such as myself, that is trying to NOT emotionally eat - where do you put those emotions?

Well, I started going back to the doctor (read: shrink) I saw leading up to the surgery. Dr. K did my surgical evaluation, and I saw her for months after the surgery. I haven't dealt with something this emotionally trying since well before surgery, so I knew I was going to need help. I feel good that I am going back, even if it's just for a little bit, to get my bearings.

I think the hardest part of emotional eating is the cycle it gets you into. I takes a lot of work to get out of that cycle, and practically nothing at all to suck you back in.

Finding a different outlet for the overwhelming pain of this kind of loss is difficult. When I am trying not to dull it with food, I inevitably end up being bitchy - usually to Anthony - who takes it extremely well. But, there has to be a better way. I am hoping that going back to therapy will help me figure it out.

This is yet another "day 1" in trying not to eat out of anger/sadness/frustration. I'll probably be back to write more later...