Loss

I have experienced loss. One of the biggest was my step-father. He passed away from cancer on May 8, 2002. He was, by all means, my father. He helped me grow and become a good person. He was diagnosed with liver cancer, and was gone 4 weeks later. It was devastating to me. It still hurts, and I still cry.

My uncle passed away when I was in the middle of my pregnancy with Josh. He had been sick a long time, in and out of the hospital with so many issues, we lost count. When he was finally gone, there was a tiny sense of relief for him - he had suffered so long.

And now. The most confusing. The most dumbfounding. The most blindsiding loss of all. Brian. My cousin. 24 years old, just this past February. No illness. No accident. Death by his own doing.

I got the call on Sunday night. My mother was sobbing on the other end of the phone. My immediate thought was my Mima. She's in her late 70's, and there is always the fear of losing her in the back of my mind. But when my mother said "Brian". I didn't understand. An accident? My thoughts went to his new car - just purchased last month. The car that blew a tire on the highway only days after purchase. Brian had said that God had been watching out for him that day. Maybe He was... but not today. No, it was not an accident. There was no mistake. Brian had taken his own life. He orchestrated and designed his own death. Hanging himself in his closet.

What? What? This absolutely cannot be. There is some mistake. Maybe it wasn't really him they had found. It must be a mistake. I said these things to myself as I rocked on the floor. As my husband helped me up to get me out the door to my aunts house. It was just a mistake. We would figure it out. It was just...wrong.

Brian was an easy-going, caring guy who would help anyone do anything. He was always there for our family, for his friends. We all grew up together, more like siblings than cousins. Always together, collectively rolling our eyes when the inevitable "cousin picture" came up every holiday. Quiet and reserved, but with a wicked sense of humor, Brian would have never made it to the list of people I would have ever thought would do something like this. There is nothing that ever gave anyone in his life any clue that this could have ever entered his mind.

How does it happen? How do you go from having dinner with your mother on Friday night, going out with your brother and sister, and having drinks with your cousin, to killing yourself on Saturday? How do you mow your lawn and make plans to buy a fire-pit with your roommates and hang yourself the next day? Where was the switch? The breaking point?

I have been asking myself these questions for days, and we will all continue to ask them for a very, very long time. Because the only person who can answer these questions is gone.

It's only been a few days. Everything is still so fresh, but I have no more tears. Only questions and a burning desire for answers that will never be fulfilled.

Sweet Friday

Friday is my lightest day at work, with (normally) 4 private students and 1 three hour class. Today, my 2 afternoon students have rescheduled for a different day, so I am going to feel free as a bird, especially since I'll probably be outta here by 1:30! Woah! I may actually have to find something to do - since Josh will be in his nap at grandmas at that time.
Brought my food with me, logged it all already. Didn't get in my workout last night like I wanted - hey, maybe that's what I'll do when I get outta here! That, plus a handful of M&M's made my evening last night a bit naughty. But, I am NOT going to beat myself for a handful of silly M&M's!!!
Really trying to persuade hubby to eat better, especially since the snoring thing has officially parted us during our sleeping hours. I simply can't sleep in the bed with him, and the earplugs don't even work anymore. So, he's been sleeping on the couch. But, I don't want that to be the case, and when Sam comes, I want him upstairs with me!! But Sam is not going to be able to sleep in that racket either!! *sigh*
Ok, food for today:

Click shake (God, I love these)
Crunchy peanut butter wrap (I ordered the Power PB from netrition.com, and I should get it today or tomorrow, and I can't wait! I miss it!)
cheddar and pepperoni rollup (75% reduced fat cheese is actually super yummy, as is the turkey pepperoni)
Fiber One bar
Kashi Go Lean Crisp cereal
PLUS I remembered my water bottle! Yea!
Dinner tonight will actually be the stuffed zucchini, and I may have another shake later, but I am running low on Click, so I may have to ration for tomorrow.
Feeling good today. Baby is moving around, and Josh was such a snuggly little love this morning. I hope I can maintain this good-day status!!

tales of a cranky mama

I don't know why I have been so cranky today. I had so much to do and I feel like I got half of it done, and of course, part of the un-done half is my workout. The good news on that front is that there is still time this evening to do that. I was thinking about doing my new found love, Cardioke, and then I wondered if I could let myself do it in front of the hubs. Although, he is not the judgmental type, I think I might feel a little foolish, as I am certainly not a dancer, I just jump around and groove and let all my jiggly parts do what they will... hmmm, not sure if I am ready to display all that. Might resort to a standard Leslie Sansone, Walk Away The Pounds DVD. It's ok, just not as fun.

Trying like hell to get my water in today, as I think that my cramp - y/contraction-y feeling from yesterday might have been from dehydration. Me and water have not been buddies. But I think I need to start working on our broken relationship.

Eats today have been good, even with a trip to Target. I broke down and got a non-fat grande iced mocha with only one shot, and only drank half. After not having it for a few days, it didn't taste as good. So, I am taking that as a sign and going back to doing without. Anyone who really knows me knows that I can't walk into Target for one thing. I always come out with more. When I was neglecting my eating, more usually included a bunch of junk food. I am very proud to say that I left there with nothing junkie what-so-ever. I felt really good about it. Later I went through a pissy period where I was mad I didn't have anything crummy to snack on, but I was able to get through it. This is what I've eaten so far:

Pre breakfast: Click shake

Breakfast: PB wrap (on carb smart wrap)

Lunch: lowfat mozz, turkey pepperoni and homemade sauce - kinda like pizza without the crust

snack: more of said crustless pizza

snack: click shake, baked apple with cinnamon

water

for dinner, stuffed zucchini, made with seasoned ground turkey, sauce and cheese stuffed into halved and hollowed zucchinis and then baked. SO yummy and very satisfying. It's adapted from a friend of mine, but she uses italian sausage, so to cut down on the fat, I use the turkey.

Daily Plate says even after dinner I will have a little over 1000 calories left. However, I will have made my protein goal of 100 grms, and stayed under my net carbs at 77 grms. That will leave me plenty of room for a post workout snack... maybe some yummy Kashi Go Lean Crisp. That cereal is super addicting!

Thursday morning. Josh and I are cuddling on the couch while he watches a little Disney Channel and I get myself acclimated for the day. I have things I have to get done, like correcting tests, maybe stopping by for blood work (although, that's not a priority). I promised Josh a little park time today before it's supposed to rain later. I want to get in a workout - maybe a little cardioke? Hmmm.... but that would have to happen while the little man sleeps. I'm starting to feel like correcting all these tests is not a priority, lol, even though I *should* give them back tomorrow! Oh, the end of the semester is making me super lazy in regards to school stuff!! Teaching one lesson later, but done after 4:00.

As soon as classes are over Josh and I are going to settle into potty training. I would love to get it done within a week. I think he's ready, but we'll have to see. Then, unfortunately, I have to do some temping before I have Sam.

Last night I was laying in bed and suddenly got very nervous about Sam coming this summer. I am going to have TWO kids. TWO. What if I can't handle them both? What if Sam is really fussy or colic-y? I am only going to have a few weeks to heal and get acclimated before going back to work. I won't be working full time, granted, but I'll be going back only 3 weeks after he's born. What if Josh has a really hard time? Will he think I am neglecting him? I have so many fears...

So tired today. Slept really crappy last night. Up and down, too hot, turned on the fan, then was worried I wouldn't hear Josh. Kept listening for Anthony downstairs (he's been sleeping on the couch because of the snoring) and not hearing anything, so I KNOW he was up too... two tired parents plus active toddler = sucky.

Eating very well today. Everything is logged up to this point (6:45) and I have plenty of room for a snack/small meal in a little bit. Sammy is moving around like crazy and I am feeling a little crampy contractions. I'm not concerned. Just par for the course, I am sure.

Starting to swell up a bit - but not getting in all my water is NOT helping, so I need to work a little harder on that. Didn't exercise today, but Wednesday is my long work day, so I am not even gonna go there right now. Tomorrow I will do my cardioke again. I may actually be looking forward to it!

The semester is so close to being over, I can hardly stand it. I am so close to telling my theory class that I'll just see them at the final.... obviously can't do that. 2 weeks, 3 classes. I can do it. I am serious when I say I am never teaching this class again....

Wow, Sammy is really kicking up a storm... ugh. I love feeling him all safe in there, but sometimes I get sore....

I can't believe it

So, I used to scoff at those skinny little bitches who said they just "loved" to exercise and they felt "Sooooo good!" afterwards. Yeah. They only time I enjoyed any part of exercise was when it was OVER and it felt "soooo good!" because I was DONE.

Till this moment.

Being in my state today, I figured I would try doing something "fun" to get my blood pumping and maybe, just maybe I would feel a little better. So, I went to my on-demand exercise station and looked at the "dance yourself slim" section. The title "Cardioke" was intriguing. Turns out its Billy Blank Jr. He developed this dance/sing/cardio workout. 26 minutes. I figure, what's the worst that could happen? I hate it and turn it off. Plus, being pregnant, I have to be careful what workouts I do. I turned it on and I was shocked. It was FUN. It was so fun, that when Josh woke up only 10 minutes into the workout, instead of turning it off, I STARTED IT OVER AGAIN and did it from the beginning! I tried to get Josh to dance with me, but he had so much fun watching, he ended up sitting down and was mesmerized by the movement. Which was great for me.

This segment really is dancing and singing and an intense section of cardio, which I did modify some, because I didn't want to be hurting later. Then came the cool down. I must confess, I usually skip the cool down section of my workouts. I know it's not a great idea, but I usually phase and turn it off. Well, Billy Blanks' wife wrote a song to sing during the cool down in response to e-mails and letters they had received about peoples struggles with weight. It was such a good song (I mean, not award winning or anything, but good) so inspiring, I found myself tearing up a bit as I did the whole cool down. Wow. I have to say, I just loved this workout and I will do it again and again from start to finish.

And yes, I do feel Sooooo good. And I am really, really, glad I did it.

Ok, I really have to try and get out of the funk. I feel so depressed. Not just since my appointment, but I have felt funny since this morning. I don't get it. Maybe I should try and do a little workout. Get the blood pumping, or get something done around the house. I dunno. But I hate the way I feel and I don't want to feel like this anymore!!! ARRRRGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7

7 lbs. I gained 7 F***ing lbs, even though I am exercising and watching what I eat. Dr. says he thinks baby Sammy is just bigger. He was even surprised at how far up my uterus was. Maybe this means Sammy will be in this world sooner than expected? Who knows. Dr. says we would induce if he didn't decide to come any sooner than my actual due date. I'm hoping he wants to come early. Any time after 37 weeks is fine by me.

So, although this news is very upsetting and it makes me want to go all out and eat a bunch of crap, I am trying to restrain myself. I did "medicate" with a bit of chocolate, but I am not going to go nuts and eat a bunch more. I feel swollen and tired, so I am going to grab a big cup of water and lay down now that Josh is napping. I was going to work out, but I just can't muster the energy.

Feeling... funny

Tuesday morning. Got a good nights sleep last night, but only because hubby and I slept apart because of the snoring. I don't like sleeping apart, and I think he's hurt that we have to, but he has NO idea how loud and disturbing the snoring has become. When he was sleeping down on the couch, I actually had to close the bedroom door to get to sleep. That's a little crazy. I think it comes down to his weight. That seems to be the no. 1 thing all the websites say - what is the best cure for snoring? Lose weight. I'm trying to help him, but I only really know what I should be eating (and even that is marginal) never mind what HE should be eating. I have to start getting him exercising. I know that will help. But he's so tired when he gets home. Every time I ask him to join me, he says "I promise I will tomorrow night".

So, I have a funny, nervous kind of feeling today. Like I'm forgetting something, or I have something to be stressing about, and I'm just not sure what. It's Tuesday, and it's technically my "day off" - no school or students at all, so not sure why I feel so stressed. I think maybe its because I felt like an idiot in theory class (yes again) yesterday, and maybe it's still residual? Or maybe I am worried about getting on the scale today at the Dr? I dunno... maybe I'll go weigh myself and see if I can get an idea of what it will be before the appointment, so I don't get upset.

I've had a click shake so far, and I am hoping to get some exercise in this afternoon while Josh is napping, then if Anthony feels like going to a walk, it will be a bonus.

I think I'm make stuffed zucchini for dinner. It's a modification of a stuffed zucchini recipe my best friends mom used to make. So yummy, but full of Italian sausage, and so I've cut down on the fat by using well-seasoned ground turkey instead.

Ok, so I went and weighed myself and I am 4 lbs higher than I was yesterday. Of course. Because hard work doesn't mean fuck. All it takes is a few days where you aren't perfect and any work you've done goes to shit. Obviously. So, even though I have been trying very hard to keep the weight under control, it will look like I'm eating like a hog. I fucking hate this. Sucks.

Some days are harder than others

All in all, I feel my day went well. I ate everything I brought with me today to work with no additions. Had a shake when I got home... then, the munchies hit. I wanted pizza for dinner, and I had already planned for some turkey kielbasa and a carb smart tortilla... so what did I have? Drum roll please brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...................... kielbasa and tortilla. Yes, I know. I rock.

Still, had a hard time with wanting to snack. I budgeted for a serving of Special K redberries, which is tre yummy, but surprisingly (not) I was hungry not too long after. This is what happens when you eat simple carbs with no protein to help hold it up. So, I had yet another tortilla (yeah fiber!) and some Mexican filling. I kept it small. And I am still not hungry, so it certainly did its job. I wanted more. more munching...... but I was able to hold out. I ended up still a little under my calories, but a little over in things like fat (which can happen when you have a high protein diet) and sodium. I dunno. I feel like I just can't get it just right, but I also have to remember that the daily plate has a more "balanced" idea of how to use calories, meaning that I consistently eat much more protein than they have alloted for me, and consistently less carbs. I guess there is no such thing as perfection.

We are heading to the end of the semester and I couldn't be happier about it. At this point, I swear I will never teach another theory class. I hate it, hate it, hate it. 2 1/2 more weeks of that torture. I wish I could get away with giving them a take home exam on Wednesday and calling it a day, but something tells me the administration wouldn't agree. Also, keeping up with that class, the intro to music class, 17 voice students AND my private students.... ugh, it's hard. But for those who think I will end the semester and take the summer off like so many other teachers, you would be very, very wrong. Pretty much as soon as classes are over, I am hauling my 6mo pregnant butt over to the temp agency in attempts to work till I pop. Literally.

Dr. appointment tomorrow - wow, I'm glad I looked at the date because I thought it was on Thursday... hopefully, since it's early, we can be in and out and on our way, since I will need to bring the little man with me. I hope that the scale at the office shows what I think the one here shows - that I have gained 1 lb this month. I really don't mind gaining, obviously, just as long as it's a slow rate. I think I've gained enough so far for another month or so of very small gains, if at all. But, we shall see. All I can do is eat well and keep my exercise going. The rest is kinda up to nature. And Sammy

Another Monday

I didn't write yesterday because frankly, I was too exhausted. We walked in the MS Walk for a Cure in the AM - a 2.5 mile stint that felt like 5 miles. The wonderful thing about it is is raises money for a very dear cause to me, as a very close family member has MS. Another good thing was I don't feel nearly as badly today as I was thinking I would. Not too achy (just a little in the shins) and I feel like I could exercise today, not have to take 2 days off to recover. Very nice!

Another reason I didn't post was that I ate pretty atrociously. I DID log it all on Daily Plate, except for an amazing piece of chocolate candy I picked up at Munsons. The only reason I didn't log it is because it wasn't in the daily plate, and I couldn't find the nutritional info. The only reason I didn't skyrocket over my calories was because that walk burned 550 cals all by itself... sheesh!

This morning I weight myself and I was down 2 lbs from when I started this. I am pretty impressed with that. I will let my OB know exactly what I am doing, so that if anything is not good for little Sammy, he can let me know. But I feel good, not hungry, and more energized, so I must be doing something right!

Today I am back on the straight and narrow, brought a great breakfast/snack/lunch combo with me to work, and I have already logged it all. Things are looking up.

Oh, on another note, I bought a maternity support belt and I am trying it out today. Feeling good so far and I am hoping it will help me out during class when I am on my feet and all the up and down during lessons. I will certainly report back on this one.

Yet another note on how much I love Click. I mean, really. When I drink a shake in the morning I fee like I am having an ice cream milkshake. This does many things for me. It makes me feel like I can have a "sweet" thing that is very satisfying and I feel like I should be guilty, but I don't have to be. It's actually good for me. Lots of protein, vitamins, minerals, low in sugar, fat, and relatively low in calories. I have been having 2 a day, but no other caffeine besides. The only downside is the caffeine, but honestly, I am not so concerned, because it's still within my daily allowance. Wheeeeee!!!!!

Sleep, why dost thou leave me?

I'll tell you why. Because my husband is snoring so loudly that earplugs and pillows cannot quell the insane sound. I just had to write it here so I don't post it on Facebook and embarrass him. I'm a nice wife like that. But seriously, the sound is making my teeth itch. I may have to go try the couch. Grrrrrr..... The 6 month pregnant woman shouldn't have to sleep on the couch!!!

Yes... weekends

I am sitting here, 3:55 on my Saturday afternoon, and what I was worried about doing - I did. We stopped out for lunch instead of coming home to eat in my safe little bubble. Now, there are some things about this I am kinda proud of. My original idea was to get the salad bar at Ruby Tuesdays, with a little cottage cheese on the side, easy on the dressing. We look at the menu, and the hubs points out that it's the same price to get the salad bar, or to get a "combination" salad bar with little mini sandwiches. My "value" brain kicks in, and suddenly it's a much better idea to do that. SO, I get what they call the "pimento cheese minis". It sounded interesting. It wasn't. It was kinda... umm.. weird. But, that ended up being a good thing, because I only ate 3/4 of one of the minis and about half the fries, and my salad of course. Certainly not as bad as I could have done, PLUS, I tracked everything on www.livestrong.com. THAT is something to be proud of in itself - but - I'm not done!

So, we get home and put the little man down for his nap. The hubs and I snuggle up on the couch on this chilly, gloomy day, and he's out like a light within moments. I think "This really is the perfect time for a nap". So, what did I do? I got up, I put on my sneakers, and I went for a 20 minute, mostly uphill, brisk walk. I mean, sweating, red-faced, huffing and puffing the whole way. Yea Bitches.

So, my problem is the next meal ,which is slated for 30 minutes from now. We have been invited to pizza with Auntie Dawn and cousin Jon. Josh, of course, is very excited. I am too, except that I really shouldn't be eating pizza with the lunch situation I just had to deal with. What do I do? Bale? Go, and try super hard to eat 1-2 very small pieces? Give in because I... well, there really is no good reason for giving in at all. I really don't know what to do. I want to bale, to stay home, drink a protein shake and call it a day, but if I don't go, there's all this personal fall-out crap to deal with. Still not sure what to do. Time is ticking.........

ETA: Went to pizza, subscribing to a 2-slice rule set with my hubby, which we both successfully stuck to. Lots of water before, and two slices filled me up without over stuffing my pouch. Moving on from a time/day that has not gone "perfectly" is something I have worked on a lot. It used to be I would have a "bad" eating meal, which would turn into a "bad" eating day, which inevitably led to "bad" eating days, and weeks, and months. That's not the case for me anymore. Every thing I put in my mouth is a new opportunity to make a good choice. It's not about "days" anymore.

Weekends

Well, let me start by saying even though I didn't eat totally "cleanly" yesterday, I didn't do NEARLY as badly as I have been for a Friday night. Why do weekends always seen so hard?

Things that didn't go to plan: I was out of some protein sources, like cheese, so my morning and early afternoon consisted of a lot of peanut butter products. This, of course, led to slightly higher sugar and fat intake than I would have liked. I also ate some (really yummy) Special K red berries, but had more than a serving (more like 2 servings) and then indulged in some popcorn for a night time snack. Even with all that, my calories were still under where the daily plate puts me, but carbs, sugar and fat were a little higher than what I like to see.

That being said, it's amazing to me how fast the sugar adds up. I shudder to think what my actual sugar intake was when I was eating Cadbury creme eggs and frappuccinos everyday!

So, today is Saturday. I'm doing a little teaching this morning, and then we have a free day. Usually a "free" day means and "free-for-all" eating day. So, this is going to be a little tough. I have to be strong and try to eat as cleanly as possible. Plus the fact that we have to watch our money very carefully. I don't get paid again for another 2 weeks, and taxes killed us!!

Tomorrow is the MS walk. I am really excited, because I get my exercise in while walking and raising money for a fantastic cause - finding a cure for MS. It should be a nice day, and with the toddlers in a wagon, we should actually be able to walk at a decent pace! Should be a fun day!

I'll update later on how this potentially difficult day has gone.

munchie mania

CRAP!!! Boy, do I have the munchies. I'm not hungry. I WAS hungry, I ate, and now, I just want SNACKS. SUGAR. SALT. GIVE IT ALL TO ME.

Maybe I should just go to bed.

It's amazing to me, how one day, you can eat well, work out, feel good about it, feel like it's NOT hard. Then you have a day when you are forcing yourself out of the kitchen every 10 minutes.

I didn't have a stellar eating day. I did make a Starbucks faux pas, but I'm not totally killing myself about it. I'm still technically under my calorie range, but over range in protein, fat, and now, sugar. Awesome. Amazingly enough, my carbs are only a little over where they should be.

Anyway, I am tired of talking about it. I'm going to drink some more water, and go to bed. Thank goodness I get a new shipment of Click tomorrow. I love my Click shakes!!!

Expectations

My expectations for eating healthy (healthier) right now are a little confusing. Of course, part of me says: "You're eating like you should, you are even back to exercising. You'll be dropping the lbs. again in no time!" But then my "HELLO" logical side kicks in - "You aren't supposed to be LOSING weight - you're PREGNANT!". So, what can realistic expectations be?

I suppose if I could maintain for a bit, that would be good. However, that probably won't last forever, since I am half way through my second trimester and I'm barreling toward the 3rd, which is when baby Sammy puts on all HIS weight. Is it safe to maintain? Is it safe to lose? It's not like I'm a tiny, skinny thing. I mean, I am still overweight, and I feel like maintaining, or even losing a LITTLE can't possibly hurt the baby, as long as I am taking in adequate calories. Uh, right?

So many questions. They fly around in my brain constantly. I don't feel like I know any of the answers.

*Sigh* ok, yesterdays eating went quite well, I feel. Although I was a little short on my calories - I use www.livestrong.com, AKA The Daily Plate to track my food. There is no setting for "weight maintenance" so I opted for the least amount of weight to lose a week - 1 lb. That sets calorie expectations for me, based on my weight. Well, I fell almost 900 calories short of that yesterday - but I ate all day! I wasn't hungry! When I WAS hungry, I ate! Plus I got in a workout which subtracted even further from the goal. I am not so worried about that, unless it starts to happen all the time. If it does, maybe I need to revamp things.

Things I am especially proud of in regards to yesterdays eating:

1. I ate what I brought with me to work, and not anything else (no vending machine stops!)

2. I did NOT go to Starbucks on my way to work, like I always do. This one it BIG for me!

3. I didn't overeat in the evening.

Things I need to do better with today:

1. Water, water, water. I need MUCH more than yesterday!

Gonna keep trudging along, even though I am still feeling confused. I'm sure it will all start to become clear.

Wednesday - day 2 of my getting-my-shit-together regime. Yesterday went extremely well, and I even made myself some noddle-less lasagna while serving the rest of my family ravioli. I didn't even mind. I came just slightly short of my calorie goal, even with an evening snack, but I am not so concerned. This baby will get what it needs, and everything I ate was balanced. My day included a delicious click shake made with Hood calorie countdown chocolate milk. Oh. Yum. I had another this morning. Today I am working, so I have packed lots of protein filled snacks.
I got on the scale this morning and audibly gasped. If I am not careful, I am going to be at a weight that makes me less then 1-- lbs down from surgery. I am going to have so much work to do once little Sammy is born. I am looking forward to it in a way, and I'm scared of it too.
Anyway, off to teach - checking in later with the eating (and hopefully exercising) report...

Tuesday, April 13 2010

3 years. I can't believe it's been 3 years since my amazing, incredible jewel of a son came into this world. 12:35 AM, on Friday, April 13, 2007. 7 lbs, 4 oz. A perfect little angel.

So much has happened since then, and now, expecting my second son, I feel so blessed for what I have been given. A wonderful husband, who, although we have gone through some tough times, is loving, caring, an amazing father and partner. Joshua, who is really a very well behaved, blossoming toddler, and little baby Samuel on the way. I am employed (even if only part time), live in a home I own (well, the bank might not exactly agree)... I am beyond lucky. Blessed is really the only way to say it. And to say I am grateful would be a severe understatement.

Ok, so you don't think I'm trying to get away with not posting about my healthy eating endeavors - let me give the rundown so far:

B: 1 carb control tortilla, 2 tbs natural peanut butter

S: (currently) click protein shake made with 2 scoops of click, 1 cup of Hood calorie countdown chocolate milk (stuff of the GODS) and some ice.

If you would like to check out everything I am eating/doing today, you can look at my food log here: http://www.livestrong.com/profile/kelliannfesta/

Wow

I can't believe I have neglected this log for so long. Here we are in April, and I haven't blogged since October! Probably because things got very interesting going into Thanksgiving - as in - finding out we are expecting our 2nd child!! I am currently 24 weeks along, and we are having a boy. His name will be Samuel Anthony.

Now, I was battling with gaining a little weight BEFORE I got pregnant - now, I am ashamed to say I am about 30 lbs higher than my lowest (at last weigh in) about 15 of that was pre-pregnancy, and the other half has been since. Now, I hear a lot of people say "but you're PREGNANT!! Of COURSE you're going to gain weight!" and YES, that is true - BUT the fact is that I have been making really poor choices when it comes to food. I have been seriously hungry, but I also have a sneaking suspicion that if I had been sticking to my rules of the RNY, I wouldn't feel so hungry so often.

I took the licence of eating carbs beyond where it should be.

Sugar. My nemesis. My arch enemy No. 1. I have been indulging in this completely-void-of-all-things-nutritious substance way too much. (damn you Cadbury creme eggs!!) including Starbucks. So, not only a nutritionally ugly habit, but also a financially draining one. So, as I sip on my Starbucks solo, grande, non-fat, no whip, iced mocha, I make the pledge that it is my last one. Neither my wallet nor my waistline can take it.

I have to say, that some of my total lack of munchie control may also be contributed to the fact that I am really at a loss for information. I can find lots of info on eating for pregnancy, and lots of info on eating after RNY, but the two together? BAH!! Not so easy! There is ONE message board I have found, but when I ask what people are eating, I get answers like "everything!!"And even though I feel like I am in the same boat, it's NOT helpful.

So, my first step is going to be to get rid of the sugar. I mean, I think it goes without saying that too much sugar is not a good thing for RNY OR pregnancy. So, that has to be priority. Next, I feel I have to start putting my protein first again, and THEN if I am still hungry, my high fiber carbs. Of course, when you are pregnant, you can' be carb free. The baby needs carbs to develop properly, but lemme tell ya - this baby doesn't need THIS many carbs!!

Anyway, I have to take this a step at a time, because just like anything else, if I try to do everything at once, I will just quit it. I don't feel like over all I have been horrible, I just feel like I have to stop things before they get out of hand.

I'll be back on here much more often, hopefully to keep myself accountable. You'll probably hear the good, the bad, and the ugly... be prepared.