Loss

I have experienced loss. One of the biggest was my step-father. He passed away from cancer on May 8, 2002. He was, by all means, my father. He helped me grow and become a good person. He was diagnosed with liver cancer, and was gone 4 weeks later. It was devastating to me. It still hurts, and I still cry.

My uncle passed away when I was in the middle of my pregnancy with Josh. He had been sick a long time, in and out of the hospital with so many issues, we lost count. When he was finally gone, there was a tiny sense of relief for him - he had suffered so long.

And now. The most confusing. The most dumbfounding. The most blindsiding loss of all. Brian. My cousin. 24 years old, just this past February. No illness. No accident. Death by his own doing.

I got the call on Sunday night. My mother was sobbing on the other end of the phone. My immediate thought was my Mima. She's in her late 70's, and there is always the fear of losing her in the back of my mind. But when my mother said "Brian". I didn't understand. An accident? My thoughts went to his new car - just purchased last month. The car that blew a tire on the highway only days after purchase. Brian had said that God had been watching out for him that day. Maybe He was... but not today. No, it was not an accident. There was no mistake. Brian had taken his own life. He orchestrated and designed his own death. Hanging himself in his closet.

What? What? This absolutely cannot be. There is some mistake. Maybe it wasn't really him they had found. It must be a mistake. I said these things to myself as I rocked on the floor. As my husband helped me up to get me out the door to my aunts house. It was just a mistake. We would figure it out. It was just...wrong.

Brian was an easy-going, caring guy who would help anyone do anything. He was always there for our family, for his friends. We all grew up together, more like siblings than cousins. Always together, collectively rolling our eyes when the inevitable "cousin picture" came up every holiday. Quiet and reserved, but with a wicked sense of humor, Brian would have never made it to the list of people I would have ever thought would do something like this. There is nothing that ever gave anyone in his life any clue that this could have ever entered his mind.

How does it happen? How do you go from having dinner with your mother on Friday night, going out with your brother and sister, and having drinks with your cousin, to killing yourself on Saturday? How do you mow your lawn and make plans to buy a fire-pit with your roommates and hang yourself the next day? Where was the switch? The breaking point?

I have been asking myself these questions for days, and we will all continue to ask them for a very, very long time. Because the only person who can answer these questions is gone.

It's only been a few days. Everything is still so fresh, but I have no more tears. Only questions and a burning desire for answers that will never be fulfilled.