Sunday, June 27, 2010
...
I am feeling very alone. Very sad. Guilty. so much has gone on and I don't have the energy to type it all. I just feel so sad. I can't wait till Sammy is born and I can focus on him and Josh and Anthony. I just want to move on from the sadness.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Just another Thursday
I know I have been talking an awful lot about being bored at work, and I am sure that no one really wants to hear it, so feel free to not read this entry if you are, in fact, tired of my complaining.
I was off the past two days because my MIL had some appointments, and I don’t have too many other options for during-the-day care. However, we have recently found out I may have to try and find some.
My MIL has to have surgery at the end of June. This means many things, and creates many questions. First, it means my temping woes will be over as of that date, since I will have no care for Josh at that point. This does NOT bother me, as I am sure you can understand. I am a big fan of belt tightening instead of trying to find Josh somewhere ELSE to go during the day. Going to grandmas is something he is used to, and enjoys. I am not going to throw a big disruption at him a mere few weeks before the biggest disruption of all arrives…. I can’t WAIT for that disruption… I just want to meet my new little guy already, but I digress… The surgery is on MIL lung, and after testing, they are unsure if what they are seeing is a carcinoma. This is ridiculously scary right now. My hubby is a wreck, understandably so. We are all very concerned. What is the surgery going to reveal? How long will her recovery be? What will be the next step? There are so many questions, and MIL is not terribly forthcoming. Of course, it IS her business, however, we want to be available to help her, and we need info to do that.
Anyway, it’s just another notch in the crappy-few-months belt.
So, yes, at the moment, I am at work. I was so concerned about being off the last few days, and I come in and I am still searching for things to do. But, my one saving grace is I am forcing myself to get up and walk. That’s a good thing, and I am not feeling so swollen yet.
I have been very proud of my eating, especially yesterday. Being home can sometimes cause a lot of crappy eating, and I stayed really on track. I also got a ton of housework done, AND I didn’t let Ant and I succumb to fast food after going to rehearsal. I made sure we both ate before hand, and that we went right home and had a snack after. Really, really proud of myself, because Ant even asked if I wanted to stop someplace and I help firm and told him no. I think he was a little disappointed, but he got over it.
I am starving, and I am trying to hold out on lunch so that after lunch seems shorter. Trying to hold on till 1, but I don’t think it’s gonna work… It’s so strange how hunger changes from one day to the next. Eating similar things at similar times, you’d think the body would get used to it and be happy with it, but nooooo…. Ok. I can’t talk myself out of it anymore. I am going to have lunch. Today I brought the makings of my crustless pizza – mozz cheese, homemade sauce and turkey pepperoni. I throw it all together and nuke it. It’s really yum. I get some strange looks, because frankly it sometimes looks like I am eating pepperoni soup, but I don’t care!
I’m off!
I was off the past two days because my MIL had some appointments, and I don’t have too many other options for during-the-day care. However, we have recently found out I may have to try and find some.
My MIL has to have surgery at the end of June. This means many things, and creates many questions. First, it means my temping woes will be over as of that date, since I will have no care for Josh at that point. This does NOT bother me, as I am sure you can understand. I am a big fan of belt tightening instead of trying to find Josh somewhere ELSE to go during the day. Going to grandmas is something he is used to, and enjoys. I am not going to throw a big disruption at him a mere few weeks before the biggest disruption of all arrives…. I can’t WAIT for that disruption… I just want to meet my new little guy already, but I digress… The surgery is on MIL lung, and after testing, they are unsure if what they are seeing is a carcinoma. This is ridiculously scary right now. My hubby is a wreck, understandably so. We are all very concerned. What is the surgery going to reveal? How long will her recovery be? What will be the next step? There are so many questions, and MIL is not terribly forthcoming. Of course, it IS her business, however, we want to be available to help her, and we need info to do that.
Anyway, it’s just another notch in the crappy-few-months belt.
So, yes, at the moment, I am at work. I was so concerned about being off the last few days, and I come in and I am still searching for things to do. But, my one saving grace is I am forcing myself to get up and walk. That’s a good thing, and I am not feeling so swollen yet.
I have been very proud of my eating, especially yesterday. Being home can sometimes cause a lot of crappy eating, and I stayed really on track. I also got a ton of housework done, AND I didn’t let Ant and I succumb to fast food after going to rehearsal. I made sure we both ate before hand, and that we went right home and had a snack after. Really, really proud of myself, because Ant even asked if I wanted to stop someplace and I help firm and told him no. I think he was a little disappointed, but he got over it.
I am starving, and I am trying to hold out on lunch so that after lunch seems shorter. Trying to hold on till 1, but I don’t think it’s gonna work… It’s so strange how hunger changes from one day to the next. Eating similar things at similar times, you’d think the body would get used to it and be happy with it, but nooooo…. Ok. I can’t talk myself out of it anymore. I am going to have lunch. Today I brought the makings of my crustless pizza – mozz cheese, homemade sauce and turkey pepperoni. I throw it all together and nuke it. It’s really yum. I get some strange looks, because frankly it sometimes looks like I am eating pepperoni soup, but I don’t care!
I’m off!
Monday, June 7, 2010
June 6
1:30, Monday afternoon. 2.5 hours till I’m outta here. I really need something to do, but I am too lazy at this moment to go find something. I had a good pile of work to do this morning, and I was grateful. It was quiet, I was busy, and the time went fast. I am a little lonely back in my new space, but at least it’s nice a cool. I think I might take a few minutes in a little while and go upstairs and outside for a few. No one will miss me… that might sound sad, but it’s fine.
The Hubs is not feeling well, and I thought he was going to go home, but I heard from him about an hour ago and he was still there. I hope he’s not coming down with something.
*sigh* Eating… it’s not too bad, actually. I was proud of myself yesterday. We went out to get some errands done, and by 11:45, Josh was on the rampage because he was hungry. So, we go to Friendly’s. Not very many healthy options, but I did discover that all of their healthy options are clearly marked. So, I choose the Apple Harvest Salad, instead of the pretzel roll bacon cheeseburger that I REALLY wanted. The salad was good. The chicken on it was yucky (but, have a lot of issue with chicken, so you can’t go by me), so I didn’t eat that at all. Afterwards, Hubby orders a 3 scoop sundae, using the no sugar added vanilla ice cream and no sugar added fudge, but still with the regular peanut butter sauce and reeses pieces. I really didn’t have that much and I was pretty proud of my selections. I remember before surgery, when I would send Ant out for a 5 scoop reeses pieces sundae. I could have eaten one everyday, probably more than one. It’s amazing how things change.
So, what is really confusing is my blood sugar after this meal as compared to after my dinner. After this lunch of salad and a little ice cream, my sugar was 73. After dinner of ground turkey breast with Mexican seasoning (carbs? Maybe 1 or 2), reduced fat cheese, and a high fiber wrap (net carbs 7 grms) and my sugar was 123 a little more than an hour after. WTF? How does any of that make sense? Now, for a test, I just ate the exact same thing for lunch, and its going to be very interesting to see what it is in a few minutes when I test. Hmmm…. Ok, it’s 104. Obviously not as bad as 123 (and, ok, technically 123 is not bad) but it’s so interesting. WHAT is in this meal that can make my sugar go up? The next 7 weeks are going to drag…
I can’t get a hold of Anthony… I wonder what’s going on. I called the office, his cell, and I e-mailed him… Should the worrying start yet? No, no… just relax.
1:30, Monday afternoon. 2.5 hours till I’m outta here. I really need something to do, but I am too lazy at this moment to go find something. I had a good pile of work to do this morning, and I was grateful. It was quiet, I was busy, and the time went fast. I am a little lonely back in my new space, but at least it’s nice a cool. I think I might take a few minutes in a little while and go upstairs and outside for a few. No one will miss me… that might sound sad, but it’s fine.
The Hubs is not feeling well, and I thought he was going to go home, but I heard from him about an hour ago and he was still there. I hope he’s not coming down with something.
*sigh* Eating… it’s not too bad, actually. I was proud of myself yesterday. We went out to get some errands done, and by 11:45, Josh was on the rampage because he was hungry. So, we go to Friendly’s. Not very many healthy options, but I did discover that all of their healthy options are clearly marked. So, I choose the Apple Harvest Salad, instead of the pretzel roll bacon cheeseburger that I REALLY wanted. The salad was good. The chicken on it was yucky (but, have a lot of issue with chicken, so you can’t go by me), so I didn’t eat that at all. Afterwards, Hubby orders a 3 scoop sundae, using the no sugar added vanilla ice cream and no sugar added fudge, but still with the regular peanut butter sauce and reeses pieces. I really didn’t have that much and I was pretty proud of my selections. I remember before surgery, when I would send Ant out for a 5 scoop reeses pieces sundae. I could have eaten one everyday, probably more than one. It’s amazing how things change.
So, what is really confusing is my blood sugar after this meal as compared to after my dinner. After this lunch of salad and a little ice cream, my sugar was 73. After dinner of ground turkey breast with Mexican seasoning (carbs? Maybe 1 or 2), reduced fat cheese, and a high fiber wrap (net carbs 7 grms) and my sugar was 123 a little more than an hour after. WTF? How does any of that make sense? Now, for a test, I just ate the exact same thing for lunch, and its going to be very interesting to see what it is in a few minutes when I test. Hmmm…. Ok, it’s 104. Obviously not as bad as 123 (and, ok, technically 123 is not bad) but it’s so interesting. WHAT is in this meal that can make my sugar go up? The next 7 weeks are going to drag…
I can’t get a hold of Anthony… I wonder what’s going on. I called the office, his cell, and I e-mailed him… Should the worrying start yet? No, no… just relax.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Another Thursday in the life...
Eating has been a bit of a challenge for a few days. I feel up and down… the desk job is a killer, but I am happy to report there has been NO big-as-your-face chocolate chip cookie today. That is a point for me!
Yesterday was such a long day. Up at 5:30, not home till 9:30. It was terrible to only see Josh for 1 hour in between work and rehearsal. I will be happy when this concert comes, goes well, and is over for now. This is me – just working toward July…. I have no idea what I am going to wear for this concert. I bought a pretty maternity dress, but it’s short, and with all of the swelling in my legs, I just don’t think I can bring myself to wear it. Hmmm, this should be interesting.
SO, yeah, back to my food… so, I got my Click in the mail last night, and I know my husband was happy, because I was such a cranky ass yesterday without my Click shake in the AM. I was in decidedly better spirits this morning. I’m not really sure why, since I got no sleep. Ok, right, food… so, click shake this morning, PB and reduced sugar jelly on a high fiber wrap for breakfast, kashi go-lean crunch cereal and yogurt for snack (yummy parfait type goodness) bologna and cheese sandwich on high fiber bread with a little coleslaw. I’m about to take my sugar reading for that lunch, and I am interested in seeing what it is… 92. Fabulous!! In a few I am going to have a fiber one bar, and a cheese stick. I am really trying to have some protein and carb together whenever I eat. That kashi cereal this morning had 10 grms of fiber and 12 grms of protein! The best I could find at the hospital cafeteria. I’m not doing well on my water – not even half way done yet. The only good thing about a desk job is I drink water like it’s going out of style. This is a very good thing, since in my last ultrasound my fluid was on the low side of normal. We don’t want that!! So, the Dr. told me to be super hydrated, and we would check it again next time.
I don’t know what’s for dinner tonight. I should have had the foresight to take something out of the freezer, but that has always been a problem for me – planning ahead. I can’t even remember what we have home…. *sigh*
2:06 and 2 hours left of work. Today has gone by much faster, since I have things to do. I am grateful.
Yesterday was such a long day. Up at 5:30, not home till 9:30. It was terrible to only see Josh for 1 hour in between work and rehearsal. I will be happy when this concert comes, goes well, and is over for now. This is me – just working toward July…. I have no idea what I am going to wear for this concert. I bought a pretty maternity dress, but it’s short, and with all of the swelling in my legs, I just don’t think I can bring myself to wear it. Hmmm, this should be interesting.
SO, yeah, back to my food… so, I got my Click in the mail last night, and I know my husband was happy, because I was such a cranky ass yesterday without my Click shake in the AM. I was in decidedly better spirits this morning. I’m not really sure why, since I got no sleep. Ok, right, food… so, click shake this morning, PB and reduced sugar jelly on a high fiber wrap for breakfast, kashi go-lean crunch cereal and yogurt for snack (yummy parfait type goodness) bologna and cheese sandwich on high fiber bread with a little coleslaw. I’m about to take my sugar reading for that lunch, and I am interested in seeing what it is… 92. Fabulous!! In a few I am going to have a fiber one bar, and a cheese stick. I am really trying to have some protein and carb together whenever I eat. That kashi cereal this morning had 10 grms of fiber and 12 grms of protein! The best I could find at the hospital cafeteria. I’m not doing well on my water – not even half way done yet. The only good thing about a desk job is I drink water like it’s going out of style. This is a very good thing, since in my last ultrasound my fluid was on the low side of normal. We don’t want that!! So, the Dr. told me to be super hydrated, and we would check it again next time.
I don’t know what’s for dinner tonight. I should have had the foresight to take something out of the freezer, but that has always been a problem for me – planning ahead. I can’t even remember what we have home…. *sigh*
2:06 and 2 hours left of work. Today has gone by much faster, since I have things to do. I am grateful.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Stuff
I had my first dream about Brian last night. Part of it was him smiling at me and telling me it was ok. But, I still felt confused and sad and scared. He just kept smiling. It didn’t make me feel any better.
I’m temping full time now, and I don’t know how long I can do it. I am so uncomfortable – me and my almost 8 month pregnant self. My legs and feet are huge, and not only am I working 7:30-4, but I am also still balancing my 13 private students and running the rehearsals for this concert coming up at the end of June. What was I thinking about with all of this, you might ask? I’ll tell you. I didn’t want to temp, but the hubs insisted we couldn’t make it work financially if I didn’t. So, here I am, juggling this and everything else I am already committed to.
I am grateful for the work. There are lots of people out there who can’t get work right now. I am grateful that what I am doing is low-key. High stress would not be good for my blood pressure at 8 months pregnant. The problem is that it’s SO low key that I am sitting around a lot of the time, but needing to look busy. Like now. That might sound like heaven to some, but I need to be busy, or I want to rip my hair out. Not to mention sitting at a desk all day is making me very achy and therefore very cranky. I am not sure how my family is even dealing with me right now. I suck.
I have noticed what bad eating habits can hit you so quickly at a desk job. Especially a desk job where the café is one floor up and makes the most amazing chocolate chip cookies ever. Very bad, This is day two of having one. (don’t misunderstand “one”. “one” cookie is as big as your face) It must stop. For one thing, the only way I am going to get out of here earlier than when Sammy decides to make his appearance is by saving every penny I make. And buying a chocolate chip cookie might not seem financially draining, but add that to a bottle of DDP and a yogurt in the AM and you are looking at $5 a day. $5 x 5 days a week is $25. That’s significant.
I’m also not eating when I am hungry. I am eating when I am bored. And at this point, that is all day.
The fund raising concert scheduled for the end of the month should be great. Granted our first rehearsal is tonight and I won’t really know till after that, but we are working with professional people, who get their shit done and will learn music quickly. That’s what we need. As far as I am concerned, if the group numbers don’t work out, we cut them. We only leave in what is going to be high quality performance. Tonight should prove interesting.
It’s 3:00, and I am here for 1 more hour. If only I could find SOMETHING to do to eat up an hour… I can’t wait to see my little man. I miss Josh so much now that I am working everyday. I mean, when I was teaching, I did some kind of work everyday, but I was home with him a few days and worked during his naps and in the evening. It was great. Sometimes I feel like the only time I see him is when he is cranky. However, Ant was kind enough to remind me that Josh is 3 – cranky is his job right now. But, he is the reason I want to save every cent, so I don’t have to work all of July, and he and I can spend quality time together before Sammy comes. I hope that will help ease things a little for him. Ant is going to take some days off and we are going to do some day trips, like the museum, aquarium, stuff like that, just to spend some good time with him.
I am sure all moms wonder this, but is it possible to love your second child as much as your first? I have so much overwhelming love for my little Joshy, I can’t imagine feeling that way for another child… but everyone I talk to says they felt the same way, and some how, it just happens. That love is just there for the new one too. I can’t wait to meet my little Sammy. Samuel Anthony Brian Festa. He is going to be so loved.
Ok, I guess I should go try to find something to do. *sigh*
I’m temping full time now, and I don’t know how long I can do it. I am so uncomfortable – me and my almost 8 month pregnant self. My legs and feet are huge, and not only am I working 7:30-4, but I am also still balancing my 13 private students and running the rehearsals for this concert coming up at the end of June. What was I thinking about with all of this, you might ask? I’ll tell you. I didn’t want to temp, but the hubs insisted we couldn’t make it work financially if I didn’t. So, here I am, juggling this and everything else I am already committed to.
I am grateful for the work. There are lots of people out there who can’t get work right now. I am grateful that what I am doing is low-key. High stress would not be good for my blood pressure at 8 months pregnant. The problem is that it’s SO low key that I am sitting around a lot of the time, but needing to look busy. Like now. That might sound like heaven to some, but I need to be busy, or I want to rip my hair out. Not to mention sitting at a desk all day is making me very achy and therefore very cranky. I am not sure how my family is even dealing with me right now. I suck.
I have noticed what bad eating habits can hit you so quickly at a desk job. Especially a desk job where the café is one floor up and makes the most amazing chocolate chip cookies ever. Very bad, This is day two of having one. (don’t misunderstand “one”. “one” cookie is as big as your face) It must stop. For one thing, the only way I am going to get out of here earlier than when Sammy decides to make his appearance is by saving every penny I make. And buying a chocolate chip cookie might not seem financially draining, but add that to a bottle of DDP and a yogurt in the AM and you are looking at $5 a day. $5 x 5 days a week is $25. That’s significant.
I’m also not eating when I am hungry. I am eating when I am bored. And at this point, that is all day.
The fund raising concert scheduled for the end of the month should be great. Granted our first rehearsal is tonight and I won’t really know till after that, but we are working with professional people, who get their shit done and will learn music quickly. That’s what we need. As far as I am concerned, if the group numbers don’t work out, we cut them. We only leave in what is going to be high quality performance. Tonight should prove interesting.
It’s 3:00, and I am here for 1 more hour. If only I could find SOMETHING to do to eat up an hour… I can’t wait to see my little man. I miss Josh so much now that I am working everyday. I mean, when I was teaching, I did some kind of work everyday, but I was home with him a few days and worked during his naps and in the evening. It was great. Sometimes I feel like the only time I see him is when he is cranky. However, Ant was kind enough to remind me that Josh is 3 – cranky is his job right now. But, he is the reason I want to save every cent, so I don’t have to work all of July, and he and I can spend quality time together before Sammy comes. I hope that will help ease things a little for him. Ant is going to take some days off and we are going to do some day trips, like the museum, aquarium, stuff like that, just to spend some good time with him.
I am sure all moms wonder this, but is it possible to love your second child as much as your first? I have so much overwhelming love for my little Joshy, I can’t imagine feeling that way for another child… but everyone I talk to says they felt the same way, and some how, it just happens. That love is just there for the new one too. I can’t wait to meet my little Sammy. Samuel Anthony Brian Festa. He is going to be so loved.
Ok, I guess I should go try to find something to do. *sigh*
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