Sammy is 18 days old. They say that the baby blues are extremely common after having a baby, and that one of the tell-tale signs that it's BB and not Post Postpartum Depression is that BB tends to last 2 weeks or less. I know it's only been 2.5 weeks, but I am not feeling any better. I am not any less anxious or nervous or sad.
The PPD info out there is heavy on some specific symptoms "You may want to hurt your child" and "you may want to hurt yourself". Now, I am not even close to feeling either one of these things. I love Sammy. I would never, ever want to hurt him. However, I occasionally feel annoyed at his excessive fussiness, crying jags, and him thinking that 2:30 AM means it's morning time. I was frustrated with him today when he wouldn't rest ALL DAY, and then Dada comes home, he hold him for 15 minutes and he's out for the count. I feel a little resentful towards him. God, I can't believe I just wrote that. I can't BELIEVE I really feel that way.
I do not want to hurt myself. I want to run away. I want to pack a bag and get on a plane. I want to lose myself somewhere where I can hide from all my responsibilities. I want to start a new life. I want to be alone. Of course, I think logically and I know I could NEVER do this, and I don't think that I really, REALLY want to... it's just this urge that won't cease.
Night time is the worst. Right now, it's the worst. I feel hopeless and scared and anxious and nervous, like I could jump out of my skin. Why? Why at night? Why can't I just "wo-man up" and do what I am supposed to be doing? Not just do it, because, I guess technically I AM doing it, but why can't I be happy about it?
I look back on my dreams when I was in school. I always said that when I met Anthony, my dreams just changed. Changed to wanting a married life. To wanting kids. To NOT wanting the life of a performer. But did they change? Or did I just stuff them away somewhere? Is teaching really what I want to be doing with my life? But what else do I have? I have NO other skills.
I feel miserable.
I'm going to bed.
Tomorrow I am calling my OB office to see if they can refer me to someone to talk to.
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Hi!I am not a mother so there is no way I can relate, but I wanted to say congratulations on having the baby and making the steps towards getting help. Looking forward to hearing your progress on feeling happier and dropping the baby weight!
ReplyDeletexoxox