a moment

Here I have a moment to write and I don't even know what to put down. I have tons of things going on in my head, but they all exhaust me to think too much about. Kids, work, food, weight, career, life... all swimming around.
I have sought help for what I now know is postpartum depression. I'm not proud or happy to admit that I have been put on some medication to help until my hormones level out, and have an appointment to see someone next week. I've never been on anti-depressants before and it's a little embarrassing. But, I also know that depression is nothing to fool around with. Unfortunately I learned it through Brian, who, if you have been following my blog, you know, took his own life in April. No one even knew he was suffering from depression.
I think that many of my racing thoughts (especially the outlandish ones) are because of the depression, so I am trying to just sit with them for a bit, and not act on them in haste. Obviously, there are some I will probably never act on, for instance, still feeling the intense urge to pack and bag and run. Sometimes I find myself thinking - "I could grab the keys and go right now. They wouldn't realize until I was already on a plane"... but I go about my business as normal.
Sometimes I feel surges of panic, and I try to figure out why. But, it seems there is no rhyme or reason for why they occur. Everything could be calm and relaxed (which, of course, is rare) and I will still feel it. Night time is the worst. I don't know why.
Eating has been...interesting. I have been told I need more calories, and I went a little nutty eating this weekend. Just stuff I wouldn't normally have. I stuck with mostly protein shakes today. I wasn't too hungry, so I took the opportunity to clean things out a bit. I can't do it for too long, because frankly, it will put me in a foul mood, and I don't need any additional moodiness.
Watching the baby, I feel stressed. He hasn't slept all day, and now he's out cold. That means he'll be up sometime around 2AM for the morning, like last night. I mean, you have a baby and you know you are going to lack sleep, but being up at 2AM for the day is extreme. I was lucky last night, and Anthony took the brunt, but he has to work all day tomorrow, so I will have to suck it up and do it tonight. I am SUCKY on so little sleep. Well, I guess I have made my bed, and now I must lay in it.